Taking ourselves lightly.......

It's with some reservations that we list some of the famous UU Jokes making the rounds, some of us have already heard many of them. They come from a variety of sources, mostly anonymous, but they reveal a lot since most of the jokes about UU's tend or seem to come from UU's themselves. Some obviously do not. We hope no one is offended by anything on this page, but humor is an important component of our life at Mountain Light - most of us will agree on that. And hey, you should of seen the ones that weren't used! :D

You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

* you think socks are too formal for a Summer service.
* you know at least 5 ways to say "Happy holidays!"
* your idea of a guy's night out is going to a N.O.W. rally.
* unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch.
* you refer to construction paper as "paper of color."
* the name of your church is longer than your arm.
* you find yourself rewriting a church survey, rather than taking it.
* you call up your minister in the middle of the night, panicking because you are starting to believe in God.
* to explain your personal theology, you have to use interpretive dance.
* you take your day planner to church instead of the Bible.

There are very few Unitarians in Wyoming, and recently when one died the family approached a Mainstream Minister and asked her if she could perform the service. She said she would be happy to do so, but first, in order to be on the safe side, she had to contact her bishop in Denver for permission.

A few days later she received a reply, "Permission granted. Bury all the Unitarians you want!"

How many UU's does it take to discuss changing a light bulb?
[Note: The set-up and punchline are one in the same]

How many UU's does it take to actually change a light bulb?
-It doesn't matter, while they're talking about it one of them is bound to just go do it on their own.

What's the difference between Catholics praying and Unitarians praying?

Catholics cross their upper bodies, Unitarians cross their fingers.

Unitarian Universalism – Where all your answers are questioned.

A Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic priest and a UU minister were discussing how they divide the collection plate between church use and God. The Rabbi said that he draws a circle in the middle of the room, stands in the middle of it, and throws the money up into the air. Whatever falls outside the circle goes to the Lord, and what falls inside goes to the church.

The priest said that he does something similar. However, he draws a line. When he throws up the money what ever falls in front of him is for the church, whatever is behind him goes to God.

The UU minister said that she also used a similar method for dividing up the collection plate. She throws up the money and she figures whatever God wants, God will grab.

One UU church has mounted on the wall in the foyer a large-mouth bass, reminding them that UU's always approach every issue with an open mouth.

A favorite old UU hymn:

“We gather together to… gather together…”

The Unitarians don't want salvation, they want closure.

- Garrison Keillor

A newcomer was wandering about the inside of a Unitarian Universalist church when he was approached by a member.

"Is there something you're looking for?" asked the member.

"I've looked all over but I don't see the Ten Commandments posted anywhere in this building." replied the newcomer.

"Hey," replied the member, " this is a church, not a Federal courthouse."

A UU family moves into a new neighborhood. Their little girl finds a new playmate, and they are happily getting to know each other. One day, the playmate says, "We're Episcopalians, what are you?"

The UU child thinks for a minute and says, "I'm not sure, but I think we're League of Women Voters."

A new Doctor happened to be a UU and had trouble keeping patients. It was easy enough for him to make a diagnosis but he felt by telling them what it was he was limiting their own path of discovery.

UU's don't always sing hymns well together. We're too busy reading ahead to see if we agree with the lyrics.

The military gave up on using Unitarian firing squads, they kept forming a circle.

You might be a UU if . . .

* you have ever been in an argument over whether or not breast milk is vegan.
* when you dress for a formal evening out you wear a little black dress, pearls--and Birkenstocks (and your wife thinks you look great!)
* you are unsure about the gender of God.
* you own six pairs of Birkenstocks and your favorite pair needs to be thrown away.
* you get Newt Gingrich confused with the Grinch who Stole Christmas.
* the money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was more than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
* you think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle."
* you study the "ten suggestions" instead of the "Ten Commandments."
* your child says to you before eating dinner at a friend's house "I'll remember to say my 'pleases' and 'thank yous' but I'm not going to say that dinner 'pledge of alliegance'."
* You think a Holy day of Obligation is your turn to do coffee.
* You get mail from committees you didn't know you were on.
* You know at least two people who are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built.

A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.

His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.

Next stop is Southern Baptist where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just a sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.

Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"

Jesus said to them, "Who do you say that I am?" The Unitarian Universalist Christian replied "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships." And Jesus said "What?"

A young woman walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for 9 yards of filmy material. The clerk says "What are you going to make?" and the UU says "I'm getting married and am making a negligee for myself as a present for my husband." The clerk says "But 9 yards is way too much material for a negligee." The young woman says, "I know, but I'm marrying a Unitarian Universalist and they would rather seek than find."

What does the KKK do when they find out that a Unitarian has moved into their neighborhood?

They burn a question mark on his lawn.

If an airplane were about to crash, some of the passengers would cry, some would pray, but a Unitarian minister would try to organize a committee on air safety.

At one Sunday morning service, in of the very big Unitarian churches in Boston, a man was making a ruckus in the back pew. After every sentence the minister spoke, he would shout, "Amen! Halleluia!"

One of the ushers approached the man and spoke to him discreetly. "Sir, uh, we just don't do things like that here."

"But I got religion!"

"Well, You certainly didn't get it here."

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, "Call a priest!".

The woman opened her eyes and said, "I'm a Unitarian."

"Then call an English Professor!"

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

UU-Vangelism: When a UU stands in a parking lot asking total strangers "Excuse me friend, do you know you're already saved?"

The only thing a UU can't tolerate is intolerance.

On her way to church one Sunday morning, the UU minister noticed a young child in the parking lot of the nearby Catholic church, with a box and a sign: "Free kittens, from a good Catholic family!" She smiled to herself, mentally wished the child good luck, and went on her way.

About the middle of the week, she saw the same child, with the same box, outside the Methodist church, this time with a sign that said, "Good Methodist kittens! Absolutely free!" Impressed with the child's tenacity, she went on into her board meeting.

Finally, the next Sunday, the child was in her Church's parking lot, with a new sign reading: "Unitarian Universalist kittens! Free to a good home!" This time she stopped to chat.

"Weren't you outside the Catholic church last Sunday?"
"Yes."

"And on Wednesday, weren't these Methodist kittens?"
"They sure were."

"Well, how come they're Unitarian Universalist kittens now?"
"Cause today their eyes are open!"

Three religious persons are discussing when life begins.

The Catholic says: Life begins at the moment of conception.

The Jew says: Life begins at the moment of birth.

The Unitarian says: You're both wrong. Life begins when the last child goes to college and the dog dies.

An airplane was about to crash and the flight attendant asked a UU minister on board to pray. The minister responded, "Let us all join hands for silent meditation."

Hearing that a great flood was coming, Roman Catholics fondled their rosaries, Methodists joined in prayer, but UU's formed a class to try to learn to live under water.

Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross." "I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David." The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?" "I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply. But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher. "They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."

A group of UU church school children were trying to determine the sex of a rabbit. "There's only one way to decide," said one child, "let's take a vote on it."

The four UU sacraments are:

* Dedication
* Marriage
* Memorial Service
* and Argument

Mysteriously a face appeared in the sand bowl where the local UU's plant candles during Candles of Community. The face was later identified as that of Doubting Thomas.

Didja hear the one about the UU monastery. All are welcome, but to allow for peaceful contemplation, you must take a vow of silence -- unless you think of something REALLY good!

Setting - Starship Uniprise crossing over the Bible belt into the Fundamentalist Zone to respond to a distress call from a lost (UU)Association outpost.

Kirk: "Spock, what can you tell me about these people?"

Spock: "The library computer has little information, Captain. Logically, however, we may deduce from their name, 'Unitarian-Universalist', that since Unitarian means one, and Universalist means everything; that these people believe in one of everything."

On my last flight the attendant gave us instructions on what to do if the plane developed engine trouble. We were told how to use the oxygen masks that would fall and also instructed on how to use our headsets. "If the plane is about to crash you can dial up an appropriate message on the selector to your right. Catholics will hear a recording of the Hail Mary, Protestants will hear the 23rd Psalm, Jews can hear Kaddish, and the Unitarians will be treated to a roundtable discussion on flight safety."

Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud wrestling a pig. Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.

What does a UU say when someone sneezes?

Oooh, ick! Get away! Germs!

Q: Why did the Unitarian-Universalist cross the road?

A: To support the chicken in its search for its own path

A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.

A UU meeting must seem strange to outsiders. A person will speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.

Rescuers landed on a tiny desert island to save a shipwrecked Unitarian. Before leaving they couldn't help but notice he had constructed two tiny structures on the island, one way to the south and the other way to the north.

One of the rescue workers asked the Unitarian "What are those little buildings you've built"?

"Well", says the Unitarian, "That one over there is a tiny Unitarian church."

"What about the other one?"

"That one", replied the man, "That one down there is Unitarian too but... well, I never go to that one."

UU's try hard to be more non-competitive than any other group.

In a UU church, Dogmatism is absolutely forbidden!

"Hey" says one UU to another "I heard two UU ministers having a discussion about UU secret doctrines the rest of us don't know anything about."

"How could you tell?" asked the other UU.

"It was ALL in pig latin."